A Mother's Thoughts
by Mirrored In My Mind
Summary: Various excerpts taken from Amanda Grayson's personal PADD log as she goes through the trials and tribulations of raising her boys. Wish companion fic, for angry folks who complain Amanda is a Bad Mom.


It's not usually my style to write an author's note before the story itself, but I feel like this one needs it.

Lately, I have been getting many reviews and messages that like to pick at one particular point of _Wish_ they feel is grossly mis-written. Given that I started writing _Wish_ when I was sixteen years old, I find it mildly amazing that people can be so harsh and unforgiving; it doesn't help that fics like _Home_ popped up and swept people away.

_Wish_ is written from a third-person limited point of view: an omniscient narrator follows characters in the moment of action, and while they may conjecture about other character's actions and thoughts, they don't know until they speak with them.

As such, I get a lot of angry and disappointed people telling me that Amanda would never have allowed Jim to stay with her family without investigating not only his history, but his disappearances, his struggles, and the people out for his head.

My internal response has always been: Who on earth ever says she didn't?

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

Spock was in another fight today. He walked into our house an hour and a half late and just looked at me with those big, sad eyes of his. I didn't even see the split in his lip or the bruising around his eye until he blinked. I worry so much for my son - he is so different from the other Vulcan boys, and it just cuts my heart to shreds to see him set apart by something he had no control over.

He refused to tell me what got him angry enough to retaliate. I have my suspicions, though; my Sarek tells me Spock inquired as to the reasoning behind marrying a human woman when they met outside the disciplinary office. I am his classmates' favorite target, it seems. Spock is protective of me to a fault.

I do my best to be a mother to him, but the time is approaching when his heritage will take even that away. Sarek says it is time for Spock to undergo the strict emotional regulation all Vulcans have mastered by their adulthood. In a fit of pique, I comforted Spock tonight in a way that was utterly human: I asked him to make a wish on a star. I almost cried when he obliged me, and did cry when he confirmed my fears as I left the room: Sarek will begin his training as soon as he returns from Earth.

(I am glad to note, however, that Spock noticeably softens when around me. Perhaps I will always hold the human part of Spock within my heart.)

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

I am consistently amazed by how illogical my husband can be sometimes.

He did choose to marry a human, after all, which to some Vulcans is the pinnacle of illogical thinking.

But honestly - he brought home a child. A human child. Covered in blood and dirt and Sarek just laid him down on the carpet like a dying dog. I fear I will never understand what goes on in between those pointed ears of his.

I was not about to let this stand - especially with Spock being in the complex situation he was - and confronted Sarek about it, especially after the warning I heard whispered to our son about staying away from the human boy. I only managed to pry details of this James Kirk's initial confrontation with Sarek and the pilot out of my stubborn husband, but the horror and pity and fear I felt were more than enough to cool my temper.

I spent that evening researching our guest in the population databases I had access to (being an Ambassador's wife is a trying position, but it does have its perks).

He had quite a burden on him, that James Tiberius Kirk. Son to a dead father, a mother hellbent on staying as far away from Earth for as long as possible, and a list of trouble caused that took me twenty minutes to read on its own. Reports from school counselors that classified him as below average, genius, and everything in between. Aptitude tests deliberately failed and others that put him at near Spock's level of intelligence. So much fighting in and out of class.

No hospital records, though; that was entirely confidential, and for a moment I contemplated trying to break in and get them before I told myself quite sternly that Ambassador's wives do not employ decryption programs to download files for children that would not be staying for long in their home.

I can hear Spock and James talking in the sitting room. Much as I want to listen in, I won't; I will let them have their secrets.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

Just when I think I have my husband figured out, he will go and do something like this that just sends me spinning.

Not only has he decided that James is a needed influence in Spock's life, he's bringing him into our household as a victim-guest.

The history behind the victim-guest tradition is quite bloody - it mostly began when warring clans were left with scores of orphans and unwilling families - but for James to come into our home as a human victim-guest is not only unusual, it's downright strange. Not only has there never been a human victim-guest in the history of Vulcan, but the tradition itself is meant to end in adoption, given that enough of a successful bond has been formed between the child and the family.

Sarek wants to adopt James.

After specifically telling Spock that he was to minimize contact with him.

Something has obviously changed his mind, though I know not what. Perhaps it is his thought that James will provide a counter-balance to Spock as he grows away from his mother and father. Perhaps he and James shared some kind of pivotal moment in front of the Council that has shown Sarek not all human children are so eclectic.

Or perhaps he is just as worried about Spock as I am, and is providing him the opportunity to make a friend.

Time will tell.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

James Tiberius Kirk will be the death of me someday.

I also get the feeling this won't be the last time I echo that sentiment.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up to Sarek leaning over me, telling me to get dressed and meet him in the speeder as soon as possible. Why, I wondered, as it was barely light out and the boys had only just gotten settled in last night.

Was it luck or coincidence that they snuck out at night to go exploring and just barely managed to escape a sand fire of all things. They were hiding in a little cave nearly two clicks from our home, and to top it all off, James is allergic to the _Ta'laln_ and managed to get himself covered in a rash.

That provided the perfect avenue to get a hospital visit in, as I still had no access to James' medical records, which were pending at that point.

Oh, if I could find Mrs. Kirk, departed though she may be, I would shove her face in the havoc her neglect wrought on her son. Physical abuse! The barbarism of it. As a human among the ever-proud Vulcans, perhaps I am arrogant in saying that kind of punishment should have been eradicated ages ago.

Upon returning from the hospital, Sarek went off to the Academy to discuss enrolling James in the program. I allowed the children to play, knowing that Spock would have ample opportunity to assume the "older brother" role and dictate the rules that had to be followed.

Not an hour later there was an urgent knock at my door. A Starfleet medical officer had both boys slung on his shoulder and explained the situation to me quickly. Attacked by a wild _sehlat_, it was a minor miracle they were in one piece.

Once they were up and about, I gave them a stern talking-to, but that night, I cried into my pillow as Sarek offered his usual silent comfort.

There are so many dangers in this world. How can I protect my children from them all?

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

There are some days that try my patience most of all on this world of Sarek's. Today was most definitely one of them.

I'd known today was approaching, and I dreaded it. For all Vulcans claim to be the most logical of races, they are also the proudest.

Today was the level advancement tests for my boys. Spock placed first in his class and will be advancing. James will also be advancing to the third level, which is surprising only in its under-estimation of his abilities. Neither boy will speak of what occurred, so I was forced to turn to teachers Sarek knows and has a strong working relationship with.

James was accosted en route to the Academy, and barely made it to class on time. His test scores were unusually low, but only because the exam given was actually from the fourth level standard and not his simple first level finishing. I had feared this would come to pass; the instructor of the first level was notorious in his dislike for James.

Sarek's acquaintance didn't know what events transpired next, but Spock had returned to the school. He must have discussed the results with the instructor, because James is now enrolled in the third level.

They gave each other triumphant glances over dinner, but said nothing.

Perhaps they will be good for one another yet.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

James Tiberius Kirk _will be the death of me_.

He scared me out of at least ten years of my life. I've never been so angry at my son and James! Throwing together some half-thought out plan, stowing away on a _shuttle_ of all things, all so they could get back to Earth and almost get killed!

Grounding them is the only thing I can do to enforce discipline on them, but I fear for them so much. They are so reckless and unthinking of the consequences. Were it not for James' ability to attract help in the unlikeliest of places, I would strap him to his bed and let him take lessons from home until he reached his majority. Would that I never had to make a holo-cast announcement asking for my sons to come home safely again!

Leonard McCoy is a wonderfully kind young man, but were I his mother, I would give him a tongue-lashing that would send him scurrying for his room and fear to return!

That being said, he did my family a service. I gave him a small sum of money that should cover his schooling, and told him to keep in touch.

The one thing that truly concerns me is that their attacker was a Romulan, of all things. I have passed the information along to Sarek, but he has reported nothing. The only incidents of the past that involved Romulans were the singular attack on James' family and the rogue vessel that destroyed the _Kelvin_ nearly thirteen years ago.

I will keep my eye on the situation, and on my children. Goodness only knows what trouble they will find next!

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

Although I like to think of myself as a competent mother, I am reminded sometimes that I am only human.

There was another incident today. Though I suppose "incident" is putting it lightly. I was notified weeks ago by one of Sarek's acquaintances that a Romulan had been quietly asking for a crew on a voyage to Vulcan, but I dismissed it as coincidence. If I claim all Romulans as the one who attacked James all those years ago, am I no better than a xenophobic Earth purist, who claims all different species are evil and need to vacate Earth?

Alas, this Romulan proved me wrong.

Perhaps in a later entry I can speak of my thoughts on the matter. Now, I am solely unable to think of anything besides the fact that I have almost let my sons die, again.

Now I have a name: Tena. And the commander is Nero. I have sent out many probes for information regarding these names, but all of my own contacts tell me only the same things: there are many Romulans on the Romulan homeworld with those names, none of which are old enough to match the height and weight data given.

I may wear myself into the ground searching for these two Romulans. Sarek sees me and I imagine he must wonder at my agitation. He is not a mother, nor is he human; those two factors are chief in my mind and blot out almost everything else.

I thank whatever luck or coincidence kept Leonard McCoy nearby. That much I can admit at this time.

For now, I will remember the look on Spock's face when James accidentally touched his hand at dinner. My Spock was not shocked, alarmed, or disgusted, as any young Vulcan would be by this breaking of social rules.

He seemed almost... curious.

I shouldn't dwell on might-be's; I'll spend some time researching rumors and see if I can't find anything on these mysterious Romulans.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

I am beginning to suspect there is more going on between Spock and James than I had previously thought.

Nothing inappropriate; Spock is hardly one for contact of any kind at this point in his life. James may be another story, but he seemed sufficiently deterred from sexual activities after the discussion with Dr. McCoy. Besides, he is almost always too busy - embroiled in studying to match Spock in every tested area, or off exploring with my born son.

Which brings me back to my original point, nonetheless. When he was younger, Spock would interact neutrally around other Vulcan children his age. At that time, I had never seen him act in such a way that suggested anything beyond very casual acquaintances.

With James... Spock is very different. It is as if, when James speaks, his whole world is tuned to him. He listens most seriously to everything James says, and they are scarcely ever apart, beyond when they are in class. Why, just yesterday, Spock insisted that the two of them go looking for new clothes, without my input or help. (Of course, with my credits, though!)

Spock reminds me so much of his father during our courting days, when Sarek danced attendance on me. Though it may be a biased mother's hope to see my son loving such a boy as James Kirk, who seems destined for both greatness and trouble, human though he may be.

Perhaps... like father, like son.

On another note, I have been keeping an eye on the flow of information regarding the Romulans Tena and Nero. The only piece I have heard is that a Romulan crew was recently caught in Klingon space and taken to a labor camp. Beyond that, my knowledge is limited.

I will impart this news upon Sarek, but the boys do not need to know. Better they have the rest of their childhood undisturbed by a vengeful rogue Romulan crew.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

If I ever doubted that Spock was in love with James, I surely do not any more.

Curse these Vulcans! Curse their forsaking of emotion, and curse them for inflicting it upon my son. Curse me for not taking those boys back to Earth, where they could be raised without such conflict, and learn to love and be loved.

My born son is lying in a hospital bed, and my adopted son is in the bed right next to him. As I sit and log this, James' arm twitches, fingers groping, until they flop on the cloth of Spock's sleeve. James stirs and then returns to sleep. Some tension I hadn't seen until now leaves both of their faces.

That this world twisted my son into thinking his love for James was wrong, unnatural, all because "emotion is to be forsaken"... it was enough to shatter his mind and send James in to put him back together. My only shame is that it was not I who was able to help. But, if not his mother, at least James. There is no one I would trust more to take care of Spock than James.

I am confident that Leonard will keep watch on my children. How I only wish I were able to protect them more.

* * *

Name: Amanda Grayson  
Location: Planet Vulcan  
Personal PADD Entry

I have made a terrible mistake, and I fear my family is broken because of it.

It was I who asked Spock what his plans were, if he were denied entry into the Academy. It was I who suggested a career in Starfleet, choosing to remember my own encounters instead of the pain it caused James whenever mentioned. It was I who bore my son into a world that scorned his very existence and that chooses to view him based on the human blood tainting his veins.

It is I who has broken my family, and I fear my sons will never recover.

Spock has left for Earth, to California, for basic training. James has left for Earth, though to where I know not. He has applied to continue his remaining education from afar; at least he has sense enough in him to realize that he is young and not quite able to be hired, yet. I will continue to monitor his affairs discretely, though I will not assist him if he does not want it.

It is terrible to admit this, but it is my personal PADD, so I will express it here, and leave my husband to his own thoughts. I would take my sons in danger from the Romulans rather than see them drifting away, both from me and from each other.

They were best friends. I am sure James loves (loved?) Spock, though perhaps not the same way as Spock loved him. Now, I fear for my born son's fragile mentality. If gaining James broke him, what will losing him do?

I mourn their broken future. Though I shielded them from much, in this, I am a failure.

* * *

**Many Years Later**

Amanda Grayson sets the PADD down just as Sarek strides into the room. His robes are slightly askew, and she quirks a brow at him. He gestures for her to follow and turns on one heel. Bewildered, she trails behind him, joining him in the speeder, and gasps as the landscape melts away from scattered homes to sheer cliffs.

He disembarks, long legs making quick work of their journey as he nearly drags her along. Beneath her feet, the earth tremors. She has realized where they are; a crack in the red-orange rock opens into a path that leads to a chamber containing a statue. Many other Vulcan pairs form a ring at the base.

She and Sarek take their place, though she is unable to participate in the telepathic going-ons. Instead, she feels the earth beneath their feet shake again, more strongly. Jagged tears in the rock above rain dust, and she glances fearfully at her husband.

Another, stronger quake tremors beneath them, nearly bucking her off her feet. Sheet rock is fracturing around them; just as she is beginning to believe this place will be her tomb, her sons come barreling in. Spock's news breaks her heart, but she firms her resolve enough to follow.

Amanda does not look back as the statue crumbles and kills two Vulcans, nor as the passageway to the outside collapses and just barely misses her. Spock's hand is warm around her own and James is urging her along. They are forced to pause on the shelf just outside the chamber, where a transporter is to beam them up as soon as possible.

The planet rumbles ominously. Amanda only has enough time to realize her position was poorly chosen before time impossibly slows. She can feel the ground breaking beneath her feet; she is at peace, because she sees, in an instant, that Spock and James have united to face this new threat. She is confident they will overcome it.

Her only regret is that she won't get to see it.

She drags her gaze from the rapidly vanishing ground at her feet to Spock's face. A smile flickers on her lips, and she is falling.

Amanda does not expect the blur of grime-stained black to leap at her and grab her wrist, slamming her into the cliff face hard enough to bruise ribs, but then she realizes she is alive, and fear boils up in her belly, enough to eat her alive if she allows herself to lose composure.

The next few seconds take a lifetime, but she blinks away transporter flickers to view her husband, as he comes forward to assess her condition.

Amanda glances back, watching as Spock kneels down next to James. The awful news percolates through the present crew as they gather at the nearest view-port, watching as lightning flickers and reaches out, dragging chunks of Vulcan into the gaping black maw that quickly replaced her home.

Tears stream down her face. Even so, she looks over at Spock, seeing him (as unobtrusively as possible) watching Leonard of all people wrestle James into a treatable position. His face softens just a bit as he observes Leonard begin treatment, yelling at James for being so foolish and congratulating him in the same breath.

Despite the roaring loss numbing her, Amanda smiles.

_Not all has been lost._


End file.
